Blog

I used to have a lot of things that I wanted to write in my blog. I still remember when I just started to have my blog, I was so excited about it and I always want to share my thoughts and ideas in my blog. I have so much to tell but yet I have not enough time to write it all out. I always complain that I have no internet access, I can only use the library’s computer for an hour per day which is not enough for me to update my blog.

Lately, I have time and I have internet access easily as I’m teaching in Chung Ling’s High School Lab. But I found it hard to write an article. Most of the time, I log in to my blog, look at the blank page but can’t think of anything to write. I don’t know what to write and what to share in my blog anymore.

It makes me realize maybe I have lost my purpose. I have forgotten the reason why I start blogging. What is a blog? What is the purpose of blogging? I asked myself these questions. Trying hard to find the answers. I thought I don’t know the answers, but I realize I actually know the answers just that I don’t want to accept the fact. I can’t believe that things like this will happen to me.

What is a blog? To me, blog is a place where I can pen down all my thoughts. I am someone who can hardly have a secret of myself or hide anything from others. I love to tell others how I feel and what I’m thinking now. I love to share my thoughts and discuss with my friends or whoever who read my blog. I love to voice my opinion on something that I find it interesting. A blog is a DIARY for me. It’s a place where I can dig out my heart and write anything I want. It’s not always easy to find a suitable person to listen to me. That’s the reason why I write.

Why I can’t think of anything to write now? I realized I actually still have a lot of things that I want to write but lately when I want to write something, my mind tends to think a lot. I’ll think whether what I say will hurt anyone or not. I’ll wonder whether people whom I don’t want them to read will accidentally visit my blog and read what I wrote. I tend to think a lot before I pen down anything, which ended up not writing anything.

It’s the little voice in me that makes me stop writing. It’s not because I don’t have anything to share. I’m still the same me who loves to share. I still really hope to blog as often as I can. But this voice in my head keep making me headache. Makes my fingers stop typing when I want to type.

What can I do now? I really don’t know. I’m so confused. I wish those who I don’t wish them to visit my blog, those who I don’t want them to know what’s inside my heart, those who I don’t want them to know my secret, those who I don’t like to share ideas with, those who I don’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with, those who I don’t like to read their comments will not visit my blog and read what I write.

You may say I’m selfish. Why should I limit or restrict others from reading my blog… Why should I only filter or choose who to read my blog… Who am I and what right do I have to do this… But I don’t mean that, I don’t mean to be selfish. I always want to share with people. I always remember my purpose of life is to shine and share as much as I can. I don’t want to be selfish. It’s not a choice that I make or can make. I just don’t want anyone to misunderstand or interpret what I wrote wrongly. I just don’t want anyone to be hurt by my unintentional thoughts. The world is like this. I might not mean anything bad, I may have the right intention but it will still turn out to be something bad to some people. I don’t want to harm anyone and I don’t want to harm myself too. I’m just trying to protect myself from all unnecessary misunderstanding…

But I know it’s impossible. I know I can’t stop anyone from doing what they want. The only thing that is in my control is myself. So the conclusion is I still have to think a lot whenever I want to write something. I can’t write freely what I want to write. I still need to be more considerate. I need to consider others situation. I need to look from another person point of view. It’s not easy…

It makes me realize that a blog is still a blog. It’s not a diary nor a personal space where you can write freely. How I wish one day I can really write freely in my blog. How I wish one day everyone will know how to respect others freedom to speak. I just want to have a place where I can share what I normally can’t share with others. I just want to have an open heart to share all the thoughts and feelings inside me. I just want to express myself…

True Love

Yesterday I attended St.Nicholas Toastmasters Club meeting. I was asked to talk on the topic True Love. I never really thought of this topic seriously or deeply before. Luckily I managed to pull through the 2 minutes.

What's is true love? I think it's very difficult to find a true love now. Even when you think it's a true love, it might become not so true anymore after some time. I'm really confused. One person who might tell you how much he actually loves you and gives you all the promises that you will be the last one, but after some time, things change. So how true is the true love? I wonder whether there's still anyone who believe in true love?

To me, true love is not just about love. It's far more than that. (That's why guys always can't understand why girls think so much) True love is more than just love, it's commitment, it's trust, it's respect and the list goes on and on and on....

I think it's more important to know how much effort you are willing to put into a relationship to make it works and turn that relationship into true love. It's never easy to manage a relationship. It's the toughest thing on earth. It's the most challenging yet exciting task to explore. Just like anything else, if you want a relationship to turn out to be a sweet and fruitful one, you have to put in extra effort in order to see the results that you want.

Love is not about how much your partner can gives you nor how much your partner is willing to change for you. Love is how much you are willing to give and share with your partner, how much you are willing to get to know your partner better and to learn to close the gap between both of you.

I wish that I can have someone whom I can share all my thoughts and feelings with. Someone whom I will not hide things from. Someone who can really go into my heart.
I wish that I can have someone whom I can do things together with....maybe partly of the reason is I simply don't like to do things alone.
I wish that I can have someone whom can understand my dreams and encourage me to reach for it instead of pulling me down and demotivate me. My dreams are different...it's not easy for others to understand my dreams...even my dad can't understand it..so sad :-(
These are just my own preference. Of course God is so much wiser than I am. He created me and He knows best what is the best for me. He might have a different set of criterias that He thinks is best for me. No matter what, I believe He knows what's best for me.

I know there are a few lessons that He wants me to learn before I get into the next relationship so that when the next guy appears, I know what I should do and what I shouldn't do. So I told myself, in this 1 year time, I'll not want to make any impulsive decision which is my own will but not His. I give myself 1 year time to get to know as many people as I can. Learn all the lessons that He wants me to learn. Open my eyes real WIDE to see properly this time so that I'll not be hurt again in the future. It's not easy to get to know ones true self. Need time... I need a long time to really get to know someone. Normally guys will act differently when they want to attract your attention... So I must open my eyes wide to see properly and really get to know that person well before I ask God that question "Is he the one?" again...

All the best to myself....for this coming 1 year. Looking forward to know what will happen next year this time. ;-)