Another episode.

Tuesday morning (3.5.2011), I was about to get out from house to go to work.
My brain was thinking about the tonnes of work I need to do that day. First, key in the D-report, then check the stacks of AP invoices, then key in all the GL journals, blah blah blah...
Suddenly, blood started flowing out from my nose like water dripping down.
I got panicked!
I called Weng Soon, luckily he just got into his car, so he rushed back up and sent me to the hospital.
But, Dr. Lim will only be in the clinic by 11am.
He asked to sit there quietly to wait for him.
No choice, so sit there wait til almost 11.30am and then he came.
He tried to check in my nose to find where the blood come from.
He says it's due to a healing wound, where the dry blood cracked and it started bleeding.
Once I sit up, the blood start flowing again right in front of the doctor.
He pinched my nose and helped to stop the blood.
Gave me 2 days off to rest at home.

But I was feeling okay that afternoon itself.
So, Wednesday and Thursday, I went back to work as usual.
Nothing happened.

Thursday night, Weng Soon was not feeling well.
He took cough medicine which makes him drowsy, so I have to stay up to wait for the clothes in the washing machine to be done and then hang it.
I was half lying on the bed and suddenly I feel like I'm drinking blood.
Went to the basin, and then blood started flowing out like dripping water again.
I tried to pinch my nose like how Dr.Lim did the other day.
After awhile, the blood stopped.
I went back to rest on the bed and Weng Soon has to get up to hang the clothes.

Friday early morning 6am, I felt like drinking blood again.
Went to the basin, again... Blood flowing out from my nose like dripping water.
I tried to stop it without waking Weng Soon up.
After awhile, the blood stopped, but I couldn't sleep back.
Keep wondering what is wrong and what should I do.

I went to work as usual.
Told May about what happened, just in case my blood flowed again in office, at least she's prepared.
Around 10.30am, feel like there is blood in my throat.
Went to the pantry, and then blood started flowing out from my nose again.
This time round, not just from the right nose, but both side.
I tried to pinch it to stop the blood, but it doesn't work.
It just keep flowing out like gushing water.
Some colleagues saw me.
They came and asked whether I'm fine.
I started panic, and panic attacked!
Tears flowing out from my eyes, I can't breathe and my whole body feel numb.
They called OSHA team, they brought me ice, they brought me a chair.
I asked them to call Weng Soon, call Dr.Lim and send me to Assunta straight away.

I went into the emergency, blood stopped when Dr.Lim came.
He packed my nose with a ribbon cotton and gave me a day off.
Weng Soon came to the hospital straight and send me home to rest.
For the whole day, there is still blood flowing out on and off, didn't really stop actually.
But because of the cotton in my nose, it didn't flow out so it's not too bad.
But I have been drinking blood all the day! Yieeekkks!

Midnight 1am, was lying on the bed already.
Suddenly drinking lots of blood again.
Went to the basin, blood soaked up the cotton and started flowing out through the cotton again.
I can't pinch my nose due to the cotton in my nose.
The blood keep flowing out.
Weng Soon gave me a chair to sit right in front of the basin, just in case I fainted due to major loss of blood.
But the blood didn't stop.
I do not know what to do.
I asked : Am I supposed to just sit here and let the blood flow like this? When only will the blood stopped?
We then decided to go back to the hospital.

We called Dr.Lim's handphone number when we got into the car.
Surprisingly, he picked up the phone even when it's already 1am midnight!
He asked us to go back to the hospital immediately and go straight to the emergency ward.
We thought he will just call the hospital and tell the medical officer what to do.
But around 5 minutes after we reached the hospital, Dr.Lim walked into the emergency ward.
I was really impressed! It was midnight, and yet he came to attend to me!
Weng Soon jokes and say now he is my personal doctor!
Dr.Lim took out the cotton and packed another new cotton in my nose.
Seeing the condition that the blood can't seem to stop, he admitted me into the hospital and asked me to fast from 6am so that he can perform another minor surgery in the afternoon.
O well, to be admitted we have to wait for the insurance clearance and the guarantee letter.
By the time all things are done and send me to the room, it was 3am already.
So sleepy... and they woke me up at 5.30am to have breakfast so that I can start fasting at 6am.

Saturday, Dr.Lim came and see me during noon.
He explained about what he's going to do in the surgery.
It will be under general anaesthetic again.
He will check inside my nose and figure out where the blood come from and he will burn the blood cell to stop the bleeding.
He says this is a very unusual case.
Well, we can just trust him and pray that God gives him wisdom.
(He slept late last night! Attending me at 1.30am and after writing all the report, most probably he only get home and sleep around 2.30am. He has his clinic at 9am this morning and now performing a surgery on me without having enough sleep!)
Well... can only pray hard that this time everything will be fine.
He assures us that this is just a minor surgery, due to my nose passage is born small, it will be easier for him to perform the surgery without making me uncomfortable by General Anaesthetic instead of Local.

I went into the Operation Theatre about 1.30pm to prepare for 2pm surgery.
The operation lasted about 45minutes.
After resting in the resting area, I was pushed back to the ward around 4pm.
Everything was fine.
I was fully awake around 6pm.
No more bleeding in my nose, not even having to put any cotton.
I can breathe using my nose perfectly well.
I can talked and laugh that Saturday night itself.
Thank God the operation is a success!

Sunday, Dr.Lim came to see me 11am in the morning.
He says there is actually more than one area which bleed.
That explains why so much blood!
He burned up all the blood cell, try to increase the blood pressure to see whether the blood still flows out, he makes sure everything is fine.
He even checked the place where he performed the surgery previously and took out all the gauze.
Everything is fine now. He assures me that it shouldn't be bleeding anymore.
He gave me a week off. Honestly speaking, he actually prepares to give me longer off than 1 week. He says as long as it's within a month, he has no problem to give me the off. But I only ask for a week first!
O well... another episode! I have created a big scene or drama in office on Friday. Ms.Chee says she was traumatised! My goodness, feel so bad! =p

Anyway, I really thank God that it's now done! (hopefully!)
Just hope that I will be able to make good use of this whole week to really rest and be back in office again very soon!

* p/s : it costs another RM5,200 for this surgery. Adds up in total my nose has cost me RM20k! What an expensive nose I have!

And now He's gone!

Easter is just around the corner.
This year The Life chapel Music & Arts Ministry is doing a production called "And now He's gone!".
I thank God that I can be part of the production.

It is a stage performance of six short monologues.
Talking about six different people, people who were close with Jesus, expressing themselves after seeing Jesus being hung on the cross.
The six people are Martha, Thomas, Peter, Mary Magdelene, John & Mary the mother.
I played the character of Martha.

I have learnt a lot throughout the practices.
To really get into character and internalize the emotions.
It's very difficult and different from previous production because it is all about the deep emotion.
It's not easy to imagine how would it be like if I were there seeing Jesus being hung on the cross and do not know what is happening.
It's not easy as we now know what happened after that, Jesus rose from the dead on the third day.
To imagine and not knowing it is TOUGH!

But it makes me ponder...
If I were really happen to be at that time, will I have faith and hold on to what Jesus says that He will come back?
Will I actually still hold on to what I believed or start to doubt?
Will I still think that He's my Saviour and not lose hope after seeing him dead on the cross?
Will I questioned what has happened and deny him?
Will I ?

To think about it, sometimes is still happen in our real life now.
When our prayers are not met,
When things don't happen our way,
When bad things happened to us,
Do I lose hope?
Do I start doubting?
Do I question my faith?
Do I ?

It's something to keep in mind for this Easter.
How much God has done for us, giving us His one and only Son and yet, we so easily fall into doubting and questioning our faith.

Anyway, do come and witness the play ya!
This Sunday 24th April, 10.30am in The Life chapel.

FESS

Well... I have been having this flu ever since end of Jan.
After weeks of consultation with the doctor, he suggested to do a minor surgery to make a small hole in my ear and suck out the fluid.
After weeks of consideration and delaying it, I have decided to go for the surgery.
Making the decision based on what the doctor says, it's just a minor surgery in the ear and at the same time clean up a bit the mucus in my nose.
That's it... That's all the doctor says!

On Tuesday 5th April, I admitted in the hospital to do this surgery.
Doctor came and see me when I was still alone there in the hospital.
He told me that this surgery is about 2-3 hours long and it has risk to the BRAIN and the EYES as it's very near.
I was like : HUH????? WHAT ?????
I thought it was a very minor thing and now he tells me the risk of injuring the brain and the eyes???
I was stunned and the question came out from my mouth was : Is this operation dangerous?
And he says : Every operation is dangerous!
Well, it makes sense... BUT still! Am I ready for this???
I thought it was a minor one~
Anyway, at that point of time, not having much time to think, I signed the paper!

4pm, they pushed me into the operation theater.
Weng Soon was there with me. I wouldn't say I was not afraid at all, but what needs to be done, needs to be done!
I was totally unconscious when they did the operation.
Once I came out from the operation theater, still resting in the resting area, I started to have my conscious, I saw doctor there and I asked : Is everything ok?
The doctor says : I am not sure but I thought I accidentally hit the upper sinus wall and saw some brain fluid flowing down. But don't worry, I stopped immediately and did all the necessary precaution procedures to pack up the place and put a balloon in to give pressure.
I was like : HUH????? WHAT ????
Anyway, i was still too weak to give any response to it.
They pushed me out, I saw doctor talking to Weng Soon. I know he must be telling him the bad news.
I don't want Weng Soon to be worry, I gave him a peace sign and smiling face.

They pushed me back to the ward around 8pm already.
I know Weng Soon is very worry as the operation took longer than expected.
I know Weng Soon sounded the doctor for not explaining to us in details before the operation, not letting us know what is exactly happening during the operation. All we knew was the hole in the ear and we know nothing about FESS (Functional Endoscopic Sinus Surgery).
If we knew we are doing FESS, at least we can read up a bit from the net and ask more question, the thing is we do not even know that I am going to do this FESS operation!
But my throat was really really sore due to the pipe they put in during the operation for me to breathe.
The worst thing, I cannot drink water yet!

Some friends and family were there. I can't really do anything as I'm still weak and not fully conscious yet.
When they went back, Weng Soon started crying. Even though I'm not fully awake, but I can remember that very clearly.
My heart just feel so pain, I know he loves me a lot and do not want anything bad to happen.
I asked him to stay there with me and he wanted to do so to, but the nurses came around 11pm to ask him to go back as no guy can stay in the ward for the night.
No choice, I'm left alone in the hospital that night.
The doctor came in and see me around 11.30pm.
I was surprised that he's still around.
He told me about the complication and he will observe me for the next few days.
This is what he says : If really the brain fluid is leaking, I would have to send you to UM and refer you to my good old friend there for neuro.
I was like : HUH????? WHAT?????
I just gain my conscious back and now you come in and tell me this kind of news????
Frightened me!!!!

Wednesday & Thursday was torturous!
I cannot sleep lying down flat. I can only sleep in sitting position!
I cannot breathe through my nose as it's blocked with blood clot.
My right eye keep tearing non-stop.
My headache is killing me.
The doctor asked to put a sign "rest in bed" on my bedhead.
The nurses turned the colour to red representing "high risk of falling".
Well.. few things that are comforting is to know that God has not forgotten me. He has been good. No further complication after days of observation, no fever.
And Weng Soon is there for me all the time.
I felt bad that he has to take so many days off from work and cannot do anything in the hospital besides looking at his wife complaining about the pain and yet he has to feel so helpless that he can't do more to help.

Friday, at last, doctor decided to take out the cotton pack and the balloon in the right nose.
I was shocked to see how big that thing was that he stucked in my nose.
No wonder the headache and the tearing...
After he took out the cotton and balloon in my nose, the headache gone and the tearing stops!
Felt much better without the headache.
I know I have to be strong for Weng Soon. I know his heart ache when I complain about the pain.
So I have to be strong and just deal with it!

Sunday, discharged!
Doctor allowed me to go home but have to continue stay home for another 10 days to rest and observe the situation.
I still cannot move too much.
I feel dizzy after moving too much.
10 days of additional MC... that was way too much than what I expected!

Is it better to be bed bound in the hospital or being at home and yet cannot do much?
Haih... prison in the hospital or prison at home?
I guess it's still better to be home!
At least Weng Soon doesn't need to run here run there but he's worried that I move too much.
Knowing me, I just feel restless not doing anything.

Wednesday 13th April, I went back to the hospital for follow up checks.
As per what the doctor told me on Sunday before I discharged, he says he'll suck out the blood clot in my nose so that I can breathe using my nose.
Doctor says : Normal cases, I can clean up everything in the nose, but for you special case due to the suspicion, I would not want to do it yet, let it heal a bit more before I do anything.
Doctor says : Normally I do not give my patient my mobile number, but for you due to special case, I'll give you my mobile number and please do call me if there's anything.
I asked : Anything meaning fever and pain is it?
Doctor replied : Yes, anything, anything wrong, please call me and come back straight!
I was like : HUH ?????? WHAT????
I thought I'm fine already after so many days of observation. Why he still sound as though something is going to be wrong with me???
I was a bit disappointed that he didn't clean up my nose for me as now I STILL have to breathe through my mouth!
Anyway, he put the camera in and check and he says it's improving... but YET, he JUST need to scared me with all those nonsense.

That's it for now.
Still breathing through my mouth, still have to sleep on two big pillows so that not so lie-down-flat, still cannot move much especially the head, still cannot do anything heavy, still resting at home doing nothing!

Thanks all my friends and family for your prayers and concern.

I'm Sick! I mean STILL sick!

I've been having this cough and flu ever since before Chinese New Year.
TWO MONTHS already!!
Argghhhhh!!!!
Admitted in Assunta on 15th March for FIVE days.
Taking all sorts of Antibiotics and YET, I'm still not recovering!
Not to mention completely healed!
I'm not even getting better!
O well, the doctor says at least I'm not getting worst... but STILL.....!!!!
I'm really frustrated over this!
I don't want to be sick.
Eating all the medicines are NOT fun at all.
It makes me feel like crying every time I eat medicines.
It's like SIX BIG tablets each twice a day!
And in between, I have to breathe in this and spray this in my nose and pump this into my mouth... argghhh.... all kinds of non-sense la!
I'm really so SICK of it that I'm SICK for so long!
I miss ice-cream, I miss Pearl Tea, I miss Yoghurt drink, I miss Apple juice with Aloe Vera!
Dear Lord, Please please please help me!!!! I want to get well so so SO SO BADLY!

ONE year !

Time flies.
We are married for ONE year already!
Can't believe it, SO fast ...
The preparation of getting married and the wedding ceremony still feel so fresh in my mind, but yet, it was one year ago already.
Time flies.

If I were to describe my first year with a word.
I would say --- HONEYMOON.
In Oxford dictionary, it's defined as "A holiday spent together by a newly married couple".
In Wikipedia, it simply described the period just after the wedding when things are at their sweetest.

For a start, right after our wedding ceremony, we went to Krabi, Thailand.
It was my first time going out of my country besides the day tour to Singapore I had in 2007.
We stayed in Sofitel Hotel. The hotel is great !!!
Really make us feel so pampered like king and queen.
We pampered ourselves with luxury... :-p Dining in the room, taking private speedboat, dining in the In-house Thai Restaurant, Drinking Coconut juice at the Pool Bar,etc...

We went back to Penang for another wedding reception.
Cut my hair short right after the dinner.
Went to The Banjaran Hotspring Retreat in Ipoh.
This place is crazy expensive and we were surprised that it's all packaged in-Spa and Meals.
Enjoyed the spa very very much and the bed... Heavenly!!!
We have a whole villa with a plunge pool and jacuzzi with Hotspring water.
Really relax and ... relax!

Around end of May, we started our 10 consecutive weekend of hotel stay.
At first, it wasn't planned. Just so happen we get to stay in Le Meredian Hotel for 5 weeks and in between we have Church Retreat where we stay in Heritage Hotel, Cameron Highlands, we went back to Penang and my dad booked Tanjung Bungah Hotel, Penang, my dear dear surprised me with Tune Hotel, Damansara Utama and Eastin Hotel and of course, we went to Bangkok with my parents-in-law and stayed in Montien Hotel.

Bangkok was fun. It's a totally different experience from Krabi, even though both in Thailand.
It's like two different place altogether.
Krabi was quiet and relax with sea breeze. Bangkok was busy and lots to shop!
This is my first time buying so many dresses at once!

In September, we went to Bali, Indonesia.
Bali is really a nice place. I love it so much!
It's a place that I would really love going back again.
We stayed in a Villa called Ellie's. It's very comfy and sweet. The breakfast was good!
Bali is just a magical place, I do not know how to express but it's really an awesome place!
The Ibu Oka pork rice, rooftop massage, beautiful scenery, Bvlgari restaurant bed, Ellie's breakfast, Warong Made, Beaches and most of all, being there with my dearest husband.
In November, we went to Hong Kong & Macau. This was a last minute unplanned trip.
My in laws want to go and so it's a family trip. 6 of us, my parents-in-laws, 2 sisters-in-law and us.
Hong Kong = walk, walk, walk & walk
My legs hurt like mad.
It's like you haven't exercise for years... then you suddenly go and run 10km.
After running 10km, next day legs aching, but then you continue running another 10km.
Then the 3rd day come when your legs sore like mad, but still, you run another 10km...
I'm not exaggerating!
December, we went to Singapore with my family. All 8 of us plus Lan Mai's family went to stay in Intercontinental Hotel where Alvin works.
We went to Universal Studio.
It was great going on trip together with my family as we are all crazy bunch of people.
The most fun thing is to make my mum go on those rides, she's scared of anything... but we managed to persuade her to go on most of it except for the Mummy ride.
Not much photos taken as I didn't bring my own camera.
That's about it.
My crazy HONEYMOON year.
I think we really enjoyed ourselves travelling around, spending lots of time together as a newly wed couple.
Thanks dear for the wonderful memories that you have given me throughout the first year.
I must admit that I have a little fear about married life, do not know what to expect, but dear, you have made it so much easier for me!
O well, I know it's just first year. We still have a long long journey ahead of us.
May God continue to be in our relationship, holding our hands, giving us the strength to continue to love each other more and more each other.
May us continue to grow in our love and our faith for Him.

100%

For the past 4 months, I have been working late most of the days.
It got worst since December, I hardly get to go home for dinner.
As far as I can remember, I only went home for dinner once during the "dong zhi" festival for the whole month of December.

Last weekend and today.... FINALLY...
I breakdown!!!!
I cannot take this anymore. Have been crying so hard... Eyes swollen...
I really feel so bad....

During working hours, I give my 100% to my company.
Not calculative about who do what and why I have to do more with a much lesser salary.
I can do anything you want me to do without complaining.
Even if it's something that I have not done before and have no idea how, I will put in the effort to check back the previous documents and figure it out.
I can loudly say that I have given 100% to my company when I'm in office.

After working hours (which is 5.30pm... Ok, 6.30pm THE MOST), I need to give 100% to my family and my personal life!
I want to come home so badly.
My husband gave up better opportunity and higher paid job so that he doesn't need to travel around and can be with the family and be there for the family when we needed him.
And what have I done? Working late most of the nights, leaving him home alone all the time, feeling so lonely.
I feel so guilty for doing that to him. It's so unfair to him!

But by leaving office by 6.30pm, can you say I'm being unfair to the company?
NO!!!
I'm not as I have given more than 100% during my working hours and that's what I'm "supposed" to be expected to do.

I don't want to be a 100% super duper good employee and yet such a lousy wife at home!
I want to be able to give 100% to my company and also 100% to my family.

Looking at my colleague, she has been working late like me.
She has 2 sons. The youngest son went to kindy for the first time last Monday and yet she cannot be there for him. Everytime when she goes home, the sons will be so tired and sleepy already. Is this worth it???
Kids can only grow up once! They can only be kids once!
I know I definitely do NOT want this to happen to me!
I want to be able to be there for my family.

I have given my best to my company and I should not feel bad about it.
If really cannot finish the work, that means we are short of manpower, then hire one more person.
If the company really think that by me going home at 6.30pm is being unfair to the company, I understand and I respect their decision... which means I need to find a new job!

Today, after so much of thinking, FINALLY, I left office at 6.30pm.
Of course, there are still tonnes of work undone.
Of course, my senior wasn't very happy when she knows I'm going home.
Of course, my boss noticed I'm going home early and make a remark.
BUT... I feel so good!
Feel so good for being able to go home when the sky is still bright!
Feel so good to be able to have dinner with my husband!
Feel so good to have a decent meal at the proper dinner time!
(I have been eating dinner after work like 10pm most of the time, starving myself til 10pm, not worth sacrificing my health over work, as I have only 1 body)
Feel so good that I can now sit at home and blog like what I used to do and I really miss it!
Most of all, feel so good (at the same time, feel guilty) that my husband actually say "thank you" to me for coming back to have dinner with him.
I have been neglecting him and yet he still loves me so much, being so understanding, helping out with all the house chores.
I'm really really blessed!
But I know I cannot let this continues and take things for granted.
I know I need to set my priority right.

TODAY is a good start.
I know I need to make a difference, I know I need to be 100% at work and also 100% at home.