100%

For the past 4 months, I have been working late most of the days.
It got worst since December, I hardly get to go home for dinner.
As far as I can remember, I only went home for dinner once during the "dong zhi" festival for the whole month of December.

Last weekend and today.... FINALLY...
I breakdown!!!!
I cannot take this anymore. Have been crying so hard... Eyes swollen...
I really feel so bad....

During working hours, I give my 100% to my company.
Not calculative about who do what and why I have to do more with a much lesser salary.
I can do anything you want me to do without complaining.
Even if it's something that I have not done before and have no idea how, I will put in the effort to check back the previous documents and figure it out.
I can loudly say that I have given 100% to my company when I'm in office.

After working hours (which is 5.30pm... Ok, 6.30pm THE MOST), I need to give 100% to my family and my personal life!
I want to come home so badly.
My husband gave up better opportunity and higher paid job so that he doesn't need to travel around and can be with the family and be there for the family when we needed him.
And what have I done? Working late most of the nights, leaving him home alone all the time, feeling so lonely.
I feel so guilty for doing that to him. It's so unfair to him!

But by leaving office by 6.30pm, can you say I'm being unfair to the company?
NO!!!
I'm not as I have given more than 100% during my working hours and that's what I'm "supposed" to be expected to do.

I don't want to be a 100% super duper good employee and yet such a lousy wife at home!
I want to be able to give 100% to my company and also 100% to my family.

Looking at my colleague, she has been working late like me.
She has 2 sons. The youngest son went to kindy for the first time last Monday and yet she cannot be there for him. Everytime when she goes home, the sons will be so tired and sleepy already. Is this worth it???
Kids can only grow up once! They can only be kids once!
I know I definitely do NOT want this to happen to me!
I want to be able to be there for my family.

I have given my best to my company and I should not feel bad about it.
If really cannot finish the work, that means we are short of manpower, then hire one more person.
If the company really think that by me going home at 6.30pm is being unfair to the company, I understand and I respect their decision... which means I need to find a new job!

Today, after so much of thinking, FINALLY, I left office at 6.30pm.
Of course, there are still tonnes of work undone.
Of course, my senior wasn't very happy when she knows I'm going home.
Of course, my boss noticed I'm going home early and make a remark.
BUT... I feel so good!
Feel so good for being able to go home when the sky is still bright!
Feel so good to be able to have dinner with my husband!
Feel so good to have a decent meal at the proper dinner time!
(I have been eating dinner after work like 10pm most of the time, starving myself til 10pm, not worth sacrificing my health over work, as I have only 1 body)
Feel so good that I can now sit at home and blog like what I used to do and I really miss it!
Most of all, feel so good (at the same time, feel guilty) that my husband actually say "thank you" to me for coming back to have dinner with him.
I have been neglecting him and yet he still loves me so much, being so understanding, helping out with all the house chores.
I'm really really blessed!
But I know I cannot let this continues and take things for granted.
I know I need to set my priority right.

TODAY is a good start.
I know I need to make a difference, I know I need to be 100% at work and also 100% at home.