:'-(

I managed to find a new place to move into.
It's Kenny & Fany's house.
They have an empty room.
It's in Taman Paramount.

At first, I was happy to find a room.
I was happy because it's a room with affordable price.
I was happy because I don't have to disturb Jo.
I was happy because I thought at least things will be settled down.

But, today, when I really think of moving into the new room, my heart feels so "heavy".

I picture myself in the new place.
I'm no longer staying alone in a house.
I can't do whatever I want.
There are rules to follow.
Moreover, it's a bit further now.
No longer walking distance to church.
It's a bit off, I'm not sure whether people still kind enough to pick me up.
Most probably, I'll have to drive now.
I'll start to feel it that my things are gone.
It'll be very quite and boring. No computer and radio.
So lonely!

I guess I'm just giving lots of excuses.
I'm just too comfortable staying in Joseph's house.
At least it's a place where I feel HOME.
A place which really looks like HOME, and with family members around.

Feel so reluctant to move out, but I know I have to.
Now, my mind can just think of all the negative things.
Think of how sad I will be after moving to the new place.
But I hope all these will change after I really move.

What Eugene told me the other day keeps popping in my head.
I didn't really agree with what he say and got a bit defensive.

He said I'm pampered! Come to PJ, got a whole house to stay in.
I didn't agree (but I didn't say anything and kept quiet).
Why do you say I'm pampered when I can actually stay back in Butterworth and be so much more comfortable?
Just because I got a whole house to stay in, I'm pampered? How about people who can still stay in a house with their family and never got out from their comfort zone?
It's already hard enough, but why still people say things like this to me?
How much more can I actually take?
I'm now just relying on God, knowing that He will carry me through and relying on my wonderful friends around me.

I keep telling myself to take one thing at a step, everything will be fine.
But deep down, I know I'm just trying to avoid and choose not to face my own emotion.
I know, I'm trying to occupied myself with lots of things and try not to think of it.
I'm just running away.
Everything is just so fake!
I don't know why am I still here? Why am I here?
:'-(

Heavenly Father, I'm lost!
I know You've blessed me with lots of wonderful friends here and a ministry to serve in.
I know I shouldn't be asking anything more.
I know I should have faith that your plan is the best plan and everything has its own timing.
I know I should just trust in You that You'll carry me through and all things happen for good.
But at times, it's just so tough that I really don't know what to do.
Forgive me for questioning why this and why that.
I didn't know how to tell anyone how I feel. I just don't know how to express what I'm going through now.
I know at the end of the day, I still have to go through it.
But Father, I know You are the only who can understand.
Just pray that You'll open my eyes to see the plans that You've for me.
Pray that you'll continue to grant me the strength to go through all these.
I know that everything is possible with You, Lord.
Thank You for all Your great promises that You'll never leave me nor abandon me.
Thank You for not giving up on me as I was such a terrible person and definitely don't deserve Your love, but yet continue to work in me and mould me to be more like You.
Thank You for being there always.
Amen.