Big Hit

Last week I attended the GLO training school in Taiping. ( Most of us were curious what GLO stands for. Our legendary great Samuel even guess it as Global Learning Organisation... After a good laugh, only we found out that it stands for Gospel Literate Outreach. )

The theme for the week was "The life of Jesus". We went through the four gospels and studied about the life of Jesus in details. Many good lessons that I have learnt. ( I'll try to share it in my blog after I recompile my notes ) Besides that, there were many fun activities that we had too. ( I'll share if I can)

What I want to write out now is something that really bugs me and triggers me to think after the 1 week course. I think God is telling me something. I can really feel the urge.

Before this, I have always insisted that I'll find a job in Penang and stay in Penang to work. I'll continue to be active in Toastmasters circle. I have plan to be the next Area Governor and continue to serve as much as I can. I enjoy helping others and seeing them grow. All my mind was thinking about Toastmasters.

Now, it really hits me. Am I actually serving God or serving Toastmaster? Which God am I serving now? Looking back at what I have done in my church.... nothing much. I was just doing the same old routine and I have not grow much spiritually. How much time have I spent in serving God compared to the time that I have spent in serving Toastmaster? Which one has become my priority? Is Toastmaster more important than God? If not, why am I spending far more time in Toastmasters than with God or even in church ministry? I have attended other clubs meeting to improve myself but I have never attended other church to improve myself spiritually. I have been attending at least 6 Toastmasters meeting per month but I have been attending only maximum 4 Sunday mornings in church. I have been attending so many outside club meetings but I don't even attend my own church prayer meeting. I have been telling everyone that I know and met about Toastmasters but I have not told them about God.

All these questions just came into my mind and it really bothers me. What am I doing? What's my purpose? When I was thinking and pondering about all these questions, my mentor KK Chee came into the picture to help me. He might not really know what is in my mind, but his words really hit me again and helps to untangle all the problems I have. He was actually trying to guide me on my career. He asked me what do I see myself doing in 5 years time? The next question is Are the things that I am doing now lead me to where I want to be? These 2 questions have helped me to see the whole picture clearer now.

What I see myself doing in 5 years time? I have been so blinded and not thought of this question. I always know that I want to serve God and do what He wants me to do. May it be to serve in the youth work or Sunday School or even other tasks that He has plans for me. In order to serve in those fields, I must be prepared spiritually and to equip myself with the knowledge of His word.

Am I doing that now? I'm not growing in my church. I have been stagnant in the church. I'm doing the same thing every year.

What can I do to lead me to fulfilling that purpose? I have to attend more bible classes. I may have to attend other churches (gospel hall or life chapel) to get myself expose so that I'll learnt how to serve in youth ministry or sunday school more effectively.

After identifying all these, I know it's time to take action. It sounds sudden to many people but I know clearly what I'm doing. Now I'm praying and have faith that God will make a way. If it's His will for me to do what He has put in my mind to do, let His will be done.

Like what the lecture last week Uncle Lian Mun Yee said, miracles do happen but it does not happen as in tomorrow. What I mean is that it does not happen in the way that God tells me ahead that He's going to perform a miracle. Miracles happened when I look back and realize how richly God has blessed me. By looking back, the journey of Toastmasters has been part of His plan for me to learn and equip more skills that will definitely help me to serve more effectively in future. It has given me a great opportunities to learn to show a good testimony too. I have never regret for joining Toastmasters and it's part of God's plan for me too. The only thing is that I have to know where to draw the line and always remember to put my priority right.

I'm glad that I have attended GLO last week as it has given me a time off to really reflect on my priorities and His plans for me. I'm so amazed by how God works in such a wonderful ways. I pray that I'll continue to seek Him first and He'll continue to show me the way.

How do you know God loves you?

He gives you many evidences.

1. God say He loves you
Psalm 145:9
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

2. You’re never out of His sight
Psalm 139:3
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

3. He cares about every detail of your life
Matthew 10:30
And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

4. He gave you the capacity to enjoy all kinds of pleasure
1 Timothy 6:17
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

5. He has good plans for your life
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

6. He forgives you
Psalm 86:5
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

7. He is lovingly patient with you
Psalm 145:8
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

God loves you infinitely more than you can imagine.

Points to ponder :
God say He loves you but do you say you love Him?
You’re never out of His sight but have you put Him in your sight and in everything you do always remember Him?
He cares about every detail of your life but do you always remember Him in every tiny detail of your life and in everything that you do?
He gave you the capacity to enjoy all kinds of pleasure but do you give thanks for all the pleasure and blessings that He has given to you?
He has good plans for your life but do you have faith in Him to allow Him to have full control of your life, have faith that He has the best plan for you and obey His will?
He forgives you but do you ask for His forgiveness always?
He is lovingly patient with you but are you patient in waiting for your prayers to be answered?

2007 New Year Resolution

In my church Young People(YP) meeting, we always will write out our new year resolution.

In year 2006, what we did was we wrote our new year resolution in a piece of nice paper then we seal it up and keep it in the church cupboard. I'm sure most of the members totally forgot about it and can't remember that we have actually did that and kept it in the cupboard. Even if we can remember that we have this activity also we can't remember what we wrote inside that piece of paper. Last Sunday, the last Sunday of 2006, we took out the envelope and gave back everyone their own resolutions to check how they have done in year 2006.

When I read about my 2006 new year's resolution, I felt like laughing at myself. I can't believe that I have actually written all those "nonsense". (I even write "I hope my heart and my love for Steven will not change and remains faithful with him"...Can't you believe that? I wrote something like that...Even if I achieved it, so what? ) I then realised that I have been asking for things that is so meaningless. My 2006 new year resolutions have been so meaningless. It's totally not the standard to measure how I performed in year 2006.

To me, year 2006 has been a very compact and meaningful year (maybe because I sealed the new year resolution and didn't follow it....I can't imagine what will happen if I sticked to that piece of paper) . Although there are many ups and downs in this year, I have learnt many lessons and gain many things...friendship, family, love, right attitude, lifetime experiences and so on...

Now year 2007, it's time to think of what I want for this year, what's my new year resolution for this coming year again. I'm very looking forward to this year as there are so many uncertainties. I really pray and have faith that God has a beautiful plan for me and He will lead me through. I'm looking forward to see His will for me and wait patiently for Him to reveal the will. =p

Anyway, for this new year 2007, after some deep thoughts and attended 2 lessons in the GLO training school, I know what I want for this year. I want to bear the 9 fruits of spirit mentioned in the bible Galations 5:22

1. Love
The word love is often misuse or overuse in the world now. It's not easy to love. To love someone is to treat someone nice without wanting anything in return, even if I found out that person doesn't love me or dislike me. Some people they treat you nice just because they hope that they can have your love(or something else) in return. Once they found out that you actually treat them the same as others they will not treat you nice anymore. They only love you when they thought they will have your love or special attention in return.
Therefore, love is not selfish, not wanting for a return. I want to love my family members and my fellow friends more. The best way to show love is willing to spend more time with them. I admit that I have not love my family and friends enough for the past year as I have not spent enough time with them. I have been so busy with other stuff. This year I want to make my priority right.

2. Peace
Make peace with one another as He is a God of peace not disorder. It's so easy to have an enemy but yet it's so difficult to turn an enemy into your friend. The best way is not to make enemy at all. I have regretted that I used to be so immatured and have make a few enemy last time. Now it's so difficult to face them and make peace with them again. You'll never know when you'll encounter them again and one day you might need their help too. This is one of the lessons that I learnt recently.
Just like my ex-boss, he has been so unreasonable and irritated for not paying me my salary that I deserved. Not only that, he always promise me that he'll bank in today and the "today" never come. Everytime I go to the bank and felt disappointed for having no money. My parents and many friends have asked me to scold him or some even say KILL him!!! =p But I didn't. I continue to talk nicely(nicely in the sense that I didn't shout at him) and ask for my money. At last, today he paid me by asking his cousin sister to hand the money to me. I even sms him and say thank you to him...(some say I crazy!!!) I just don't want to have another enemy. If I scold him or angry at him, I'll definitely say words that is not nice to hear. This will only make us become enemy. Who knows maybe one day I might meet him in somewhere. I'll prefer him to tell his friend that I'm a great person with great personality instead of bad bad person with bad bad attitude.

3. Joy
Have joy in my heart as I shouldn't worry so much about tomorrow. I have faith that God will provide me with what I NEED. No matter what situation I'm going through, I know that God is there with me and for me. Just like what God has promised all of us in Hebrew 13:5 that "I will never leave your nor abandon you". What is there to be sorrow about as I have the almighty God in me.

4. Patience
This is something that I really need to learn. Sometimes I can be an impatient person but I know I have improved a lot lately. The best way to learn or to start from is on the road when driving. It has been a very long while that I have not drive over the speed limit or do something silly towards other drivers. I always want to do things fast but I have learnt that only when you slow down you'll get to enjoy the beautiful scenery on the way and a guarantee to reach the destination safely or finish the job perfectly.
The main thing that I'm still learning and I think there's still a long way for me to learn is to listen patiently to others. Sometimes when I listen to some people (especially long-winded people), I tend to jump into the conclusion and feel so impatient for that person to repeat the same point again and again. I now learnt that they are also like me, they want to be heard and listened to. They want to share their ideas....and the GREAT thing is I realized one day I'll be long-winded too, automatically and unconsciously...!

5. Kindness
When I treat others kindly, others will be happy. What do I lose?? Nothing! Just a little bit of effort, to be kind to others, show sympathy to others, I'll reap a big result which is the happiness of others. Why not? I'm not very good in comforting others yet, this is a very difficult lesson to learn. Some people they are so good in comforting others that you'll just smile when you talk to them no matter how sad or upset you were. I'm still learning...

6. Goodness
Oh my goodness..!! haha..this is not the goodness that should be here. It's hard to explain goodness....it simply means GOOD... be GOOD!!! =p Be good to everyone everywhere and everytime..!

7. Faithfulness
To be faithful is another big lesson to learn. I'm glad that I have a faithful God to look upon to as my role model to learn about faithfulness. He has been so faithful as He never forsake me and He kept all His promises. Sometimes when things happen, as a human being, it's just normal to think of our own will instead of His; it's just so normal to start worry and grumble and complain about everything. I want to learn to have faith in Him that God gave me life and He has a plan for me and everything is in His control.

8. Gentleness
Hmm.... This word has never occur in my dictionary before, hehe...=p For those who knows me well, you might agree with me that it's not easy for me to be gentle...haha... I'm somewhat boyish, or I should say I always have big actions or gestures and....in short NOT GENTLE ...=p
This will be my number ONE lesson to learn this year. Don't be surprised or shocked to see me talking to you gently ya! And don't say I'm weird ok? (Having to think of it myself also feel so weird...Can't imagine myself being gentle..haha..) Anyway, I'll try!!

9. Self-control
To me, the first step to self-control is to have self-conscious and self-realization. You need to be conscious of the mistakes that you are doing and realize that it's a mistake only then you can control yourself from doing it. These few years I have learnt a lot about self-conscious and self-realization. Lately I've been learning about self-control too. Looking back of myself, I think I have improved a lot on this.
For instance, yesterday when I went for movie with my friend Ee Liang, there were 4 guys SPM school leavers(I guess..) sitting behind me. They were talking so loudly, commenting on the movie throughout the movie, not just that, they drank from their cups of water so loudly and kept stirring the ice in the cups, worst thing was the guy sitting behind me kept kicking my chair, it's so uncomfortable and annoying. I did turn back and look at them but I think I manage to control myself well enough. If I am who I was last time(few years back) I'll say something very bad to hear to humiliate and embarassed them LOUDLY in the middle of the movie when they make noise. (Actually by doing this I'll also embarassed myself as it's shows my character too) so I know it's so important to have self-control. At least last night was a good start, I managed to control myself well.

I'm sure with these 9 fruits of spirit I'll be a better person with a great personality. This is the least that I can do to show others who Jesus is and how God has worked in my life. This resolution is also more meaningful compared to just saying what I want to achieve in my life. It's much more than that as with these 9 fruits of spirit in me, I'm sure I can achieve more than I expected and be ready to face with any situations I'll be encountering in the future.

Looking forward to year end to evaluate myself on my performance on these 9 elements. :-)

Watchnight Service

As usual, every new year eve I'll be celebrating in my church with all my brothers and sisters in Christ. I always feel so good to know that I'm spending my last moment of 2006 giving thanks and feeling grateful for all the love that He has shown me and all the prayers He has answered; Spending my first moment of 2007 putting my priority right and commit this 2007 unto His hands and have faith in Him that He will carry me through.

We started with dinner together, this year we had buffet. While eating, we chat and have fellowship with one another. This year I made it a point to talk to Yah Wen, although we only talked a few lines but it's a good start.

Then 9pm to 10.30pm was Games session. The Young People in charged of the games. We played 3 games this year. First, the Octopus mind-strategy game. Second, Quiz. Third, Couple testing. Overall, it was fun. Everyone has enough laughers. Some even commented that this year's games was better compared to last year. That shows we are improving....hehe..

10.30pm to 10.50pm was coffee break as later the session will drag til midnight. Some people especially senior citizen might need coffee to stay up late.

10.50pm was the formal session. Andrew Low chaired the meeting very well. I was so impressed by him. He led the singspiration well and said lots of meaningful things that makes people reflect on their lives and so on...I think he's really good in that.

Then we the Young People performed an item. I'll like to share more on this part. This year we chose to do something with a deeper meaning instead of just perform a funny sketch to make everyone laugh. We decided to do something more meaningful so that it can arouse the emotion of the audience and make the reflect and think about themselves.

The theme of our performance is "Do they see Jesus in me?", it was taken from a song by Rebecca Tong En.

I was the first actor. I acted a short sketch then follow by a solo. I didn't perform as good as practise, I was quite upset with myself but I know the most important thing is I do it for God and the message was brought out clearly. Then Sherlynn was the second actor and soloist. Then everyone went on stage, I narrated the message with Andrew Low played guitar as background music. I think I did well in this...(Speaking is my talent and I'm more confident in it compared to singing solo....by the way, this was my first time singing solo in front of so many people...I was so nervous...) then we sang the song together and emphasize on the chorus so that the message can sink into the audience's mind.

I'll like to share the lyrics here...our performance was based on the songs.

Is the face that I see in the mirror
The one I want others to see
Do I show in the way that I walk in my life
All that you've given to me
I have desires to be like you
In all that I do all I am

Chorus :
Do they see Jesus in me
Do they recognize your face
Do I communicate your love and your grace
Do I reflect who you are, in the way I choose to be
Do they see Jesus, Jesus in me

It's amazing that you'd ever use me
Use me the way you will
Help me to hold out a heart of compassion and grace
A heart that your spirit fills
May I show forgiveness and mercy
The same way you've show it to me

Chorus :
Do they see Jesus in me
Do they recognize your face
Do I communicate your love and grace
Do I reflect who you are, in the way I choose to be
Do they see Jesus, Jesus in me

Bridge:
Well I wanna show all the world that you are
The reason I live and breathe
So you'll be the one that they see
When they see me

I'll like to share my narration of the message so that whoever reads this will also get to know the meaning and the message behind so that you can also think and reflect upon your life.

We always desire to be like Him.
We always want to show good testimony to others.
Do we show that in the way that we walk in our lives?
Do we reflect who He is in the way we choose to be?

We may be repeating the same routine day in day out
Thinking that...
As long as we don't make a big mistake or commit a sin
We'll be fine.
But is that what He wants us to do?

God gave us life and he has plan for us way before we were born.
He want us to live a life according to His will and in everything we do, we are to glorify His name.
In everything we do, we are to reflect who He is so that others can see Jesus through us...
so that others can see Jesus through us.

That's our performance this year. I heard from some uncle aunty that our performance was very touching and the meaning was good. That shows we have successfully brought out the message and glorify His name. Thank God for all the talents that He has given to each one of us so that we are able to put up a good show. I really appreciate all the corporation from all the young people, mo matter whether they were just helping to move the tables and chairs or on off the lights, they were still playing a big part of the performance. Without them, the whole performance will not be a smooth and successful one.

Then, Uncle Boon Leong shared a message to us. Follow by prayers from elder Dr. Ang and Uncle Boon Leong. Right after the prayers, the clock struck 12. We wished everyone Blessed New Year, went aorund to shake hands and it was a very successful and fun filled night.

This went into my most memorable event list of 2006 too... :-)

A Farmosa Trip

I went to A Farmosa with my family on the 15th-16th Dec. That was a very memorable trip. It has been a very long time all 6 of us went for a trip together. We used to travel a lot when I was a kid. Almost every year end, my dad will bring us to KL, Genting or somewhere else for holiday. Ever since I study in college, my holiday is different from theirs, so most of the time I didn't get to go holiday with them. So this time right after my exam, we decided to go for a vacation together before I started work. My brother Alvin also took a week leave from his work so that he can also join us.

We reached KL on the 14th.

On the 15th morning, My family and my aunty Cheryl's family drove 3 cars to Alor Gajah A Farmosa. We went to the lobby and waited for my parents to check in. We had booked a 3 rooms apartment. Not sure due to what reasons, they upgraded us to a 3 rooms bungalow with a private swimming pool at the back yard. When we reached the bungalow, we were so excited as it is really a very nice bungalow. The design is nice and it's very comfortable. The private swimming pool was big too but too bad we don't have time to swim in the pool.

We then drove to Malacca town to have lunch. Dad bought some durians on his way back to the bungalow. We ate durians in the bungalow...=p

After lunch, we have planned to go to the water park but since my cousin brother Thad (who's afraid of water) and myself can't go into the water, we then decide to play paintball so that everyone get to play. Instead of 2 of us stay in the bungalow do nothing. I really appreciate Marc, my 2 brothers and sister for sacrificing their waterpark trip to play paintball with us. I hope they did enjoy themselves in the paintball game too.

My 4 siblings plus my 2 cousin brother make up 2 teams of 3 members each. I joined my 2 cousin brothers. We played quite a number of rounds and got shot. As painful as the first time I played but it's FUN... hehe... The adults can't understand why we want to play such torturing game. haha...

At night, we were supposed to go to the Cowboy town but my dad, uncle Edmund and 2 cousin brothers don't like to watch these kind of shows so they went to the town to have Satay Celup. Whereby the rest of us went into the Cowboy town. The entrance fees was very expensive. RM30 per person for only 2 shows to watch.

First, the Red Indian Show. A few locals...who don't even look like a red indian came out with some fire sticks. Drank some alcohol (I guess) and blow it out to make the fire burn. Nothing so special...it's just an old trick...

Then, the Carnival Show. This show was simply amazing and I really enjoyed myself. I instantly felt that it worth my RM30. They let the animals walked out and they were so cute and adorable. The most amazing part was the last part where they have fireworks, very nice and big one right before my eyes. Although this was not my first time to see fireworks, it's still so beautiful.

After that, we went into the 4D theatre by paying another RM15 for a 15minutes movie. It was fun although it's really expensive. It was a nice experience. Not only the chair will move, but the whole image will pop up right in front of you and when there's water in the scene, there will be water splashing on you...and so on...very interesting!!

We went back to the bungalow, my dad brought back supper. Famous Malacca Fried Oyster but it seems more like Fried eggs with starch... and Char Koay Kak which is so difficult to put in the mouth. The taste there was really different.

The next day, 6 of us woke up early to go for the supplementary breakfast. We were so looking forward to the breakfast. We had to walk very far to the restaurant. Once we reached the restaurant, our appetite all gone. The whole place smelled stink. The food portion was so small. It's not buffet style, just set. The food was awful. All of us regretted for waking up so early...haha...piggy!!

Then we went to the Animal World, paid RM35 per person again.

First was the Elephant show. It was simply amazing to see how well the elephant can perform. They can do so many things, from football, basketball, drawing, dancing, massaging and so on... They were very funny too. I wonder how the trainers trained them. Even elephant can be so obedient...

Then we sat the sort of truck to go into the animal park. The animal were not locked up. They were in an open space. The driver will stop the truck right beside the animal (bear, lion, tiger, crocodile, bull, ox, deer, giraffe and many more..) to let us see the animal...and also let the animal see us. =p

We rushed to the next show-the multi animal show. We missed some of the performance but still manage to see most of it. The animals play some trick and perform some unexpected stunt.

Follow by the bird show. It was an eye opener to see how graceful and beautiful birds are. They flew right above our head. So near....My favourite was when they let the white pure pigeons flew out in a big group. It was so beautiful and so peaceful...no wonder pigeons represent peace.

We went back to the bungalow to pack our things to check out. Then we thought of having something light for lunch then later after the wild wild west show only go to Malacca for lunch. We ordered Milo. It was just a small cup and tasteless Milo and yet it costs us RM4 per cup...so scary!!!

The last show Wild Wild West show...to me so so....but my dad and my brothers love it. It was like an act with a few characters, good and bad. They were fighting among themselves and it's so real. I think the performers had really put in great effort and hats off for their effort and perfect performance.

After the show only we drove to Malacca town for late lunch as it was already 4.30pm.

We then went back to KL my aunty's house. Later that night around 10pm, my uncle Edmund went out to buy the famous Kajang Satay. He bought 200 of them...yummy!! This was my first time eating so many satay...really enjoyed myself!!

What I did after exam

13th ( Wed )
Afternoon
Last paper of my exam

Night
Had dinner with Juan See
Attended Butterworth Toastmasters Club meeting

14th ( Thur )
Morning
Took bus down to KL with my brother Andrew while my parents, Alvin and Ann drove car down. Stayed in Aunt Hooi Lan's house.

Afternoon
Went to 1-Utama

Night
Visited cousin sis Bing Bing and her new house

15th ( Fri )
Morning
Drove 2 cars to Malacca with Aunt Hooi Lan's whole family
Stayed in A-Famosa bungalow with a private swimming pool at the back yard

Afternoon
Played Paintball. 4 of my siblings plus 2 cousin brother Marcus and Thadd.
Had lots of fun plus 2 shot.

Night
Went into the Cowboy Town
Watched 2 show - Red Indian show and The Carnival show
The Carnival show was really great
Fireworks at the end of the show -- Nice!!!
Watched 4D movie in the Cowboy Town -- Interesting but expensive
Went back to bungalow played cards

16th ( Sat )
Morning
Went into the Animal World - expensive again !! RM35 per person
Watched elephant show, bird show, multi animal show -- amazed to see how animal can be trained and performed so well

Afternoon
After lunch went back to the Animal World to watch the last Wild Wild West show -- not bad!
Checked out
Went to Malacca town to have late lunch

Night
Travelled back to KL
Had lots of Kajang Satay as supper

17th ( Sun )
Morning
Met up with ShirLi and her bro Ray and Her fiancee Zeke for breakfast
Went to Zeke's house continue chat

Afternoon
Went to The Curve and Ikano Power Centre
Can't find parking even though the parking space is so big
Have been waiting and finding for almost 1 hour for a parking space
Cut my hair in Quick Cut -- 10 min for RM12

Night
Aunt Hooi Lan opened house for her church members
Clown came to her house
Ate a lot of nice food especially grilled lamb
Sang some carols

18th ( Mon )
Morning
Slept til quite late

Afternoon
Went to Mid Valley
Parking problem again
Bought 2 blouses
Met up with ShirLi again as she's also there

Night
Rest at aunt's house
Checked mails

19th ( Tues )
Morning
Drove back to Butterworth

Afternoon
Cleaned my room

Night
Went for a movie with my best buddy Kai Loon in Megamall
Watched "Father and Son" acted by Aaron Kwok
Whole movie was taken in Perak
Movie was just ok, not as great as what I expected

20th ( Wed )
Morning
Fetched Juan See from Jetty
Went over to Penang for breakfast in our favourite breakfast place
Ate my favourite Chee Cheong Fun and toast bread

Afternoon
Sang Karaoke with my friends Juan See, Yueh Ching, Pek Imm and her sister
Long time didn't sing already
Really enjoyed myself and still feel like singing
Accompanied Juan See to cut her hair -- RM50 -- extremely expensive as I never cut such expensive hair before

Night
Attended Batu Kawan Mandarin Toastmasters Club
Aunt Choo joined the club and was doing her first ice-breaker speech
Went to support her
Quite fun as it was my first time attending a mandarin club
Realize my mandarin was poor...Learnt a lot

21st ( Thur )
Morning
Woke up late

Afternoon
Prepare the Area Governor Visit report summary

Night
Went to grandma's house to help do Tang Yuan

22nd ( Fri )
Morning
Woke up late

Afternoon
Met up with KK Chee for a short meeting in Tesco McD to discuss about teh Area Governor Visit report
Went to Gurney and met IPG1 members
They were celebrating Kooi Ting's birthday
Sat at Starbucks, had a great chat

Night
Attended Poh Suan's wedding dinner
Sat at a corner that can't see what's going on on the stage
Just chat among ourselves

23rd ( Sat )
Morning
Helped to clean the house

Afternoon
Prepared food

Night
Open house for all our family members as usual like every year
Uncles and aunts came with presents
Great fellowship with one another
Didn't eat much as I was not feeling well

24th ( Sun )
Morning
Went to church late as I was very sick
Went for the caroling practise

Afternoon
Slept after taking the panadol

Night
Went for caroling as like every year
Went to 5 houses to sing and eat
Had fellowship with my church friends

25th ( Mon )
Morning
As usual, went to church in the morning
The caroling team (including myself) presented 4 carols
After service, went to grandma's house

Afternoon
Had lunch in our church's elder Dr. Ang's house
This year's food was not my favourite
I didn't eat much but really appreciate his kind act for inviting all the church members to his house
Went back home continue to sleep

Night
Prepare for the BTM photo gallery

26th ( Tues )
Morning
Drove down to Ipoh in 2 cars with all my church young people
Reach Ipoh Tambun Lost World Waterpark
Enjoyed ourselves there
First time played the pirate ship -- shouted like mad

Afternoon
Still in the Waterpark

Night
Practised the songs to sing on 31st Watchnight Service
Sang "Do you see Jesus in me" -- a very nice and meaningful song
Played cards
Chat til 2.30am

27th ( Wed )
Morning
Discuss about the program on 31st Watchnight service

Afternoon
Drove back to Butterworth
Continue preparing for the photo gallery

Night
Attended Butterworth Toastmasters Club (BTM) meeting with my sis Ann and Shin Yi
Went to the restaurant that my bro Alvin works in to have supper
Food not very nice except the one that my bro cooked..hehe...
Very expensive but got discount because of my bro
Supposingly RM59 but ended up we only needed to pay RM26
Fetched Juan See to my house

28th ( Thur )
Morning
Woke up late

Afternoon
Went for a nice lunch with Juan See and Riccie
Ate the famous "little chicken" in Bagan Lallang
Drove around Butterworth

Night
Grandma's 82-year old birthday
Had dinner in Penang 225 Restaurant

29th ( Fri )
Morning
Going to church to practise for the sketch and song for Watchnight
I'll be acting the sketch alone and sing solo
Not easy but if it turns out well, it will be very meaningful

Afternoon
Still practising

Night
Have dinner with Clement ( if he manage to come over earlier )
Attend Bagan Ajam Toastmasters Club meeting

30th ( Sat )
Morning
Going over to Penang to fetch my nephew John to school for Standard 1 orientation

Afternoon
Going to church for the Sunday School Christmas and New Year celebration
The caroling team will be singing and present an item

Night
Meet up with my Toastmasters friends in Autocity (hopefully...)

31st ( Sun )
Morning
Going to church

Afternoon
Prepare and practise for the watchnight service at night

Night
Watchnight Service
Will be playing some games and perform the sketch and song

1st ( Mon )
No plan yet from this day onwards
Hopefully I'll get to rest and cleaned up my room and also watch some movies that I long to watch

Exam Over !!

Exam over!!

I have finished my exam at 6pm today, which also means that I have finished my studies the whole course of ACCA today. ( But most likely I'll not clear all my papers, might need to re-sit in next year June. Anyway, for the meantime, I'll assume I have cleared all! )

After exam, I went to Gurney to have a quick dinner with my best friend Juan See. Then I rushed my way to attend Butterworth Toastmasters Club meeting. After meeting, I drove my way back home. I didn't really get to rest yet. Once I reached home, I have to pack my stuff as I'm taking 8.30am bus to KL tomorrow with my family. (Car can't fit 6 of us, so my brother Andrew and I have to take bus)

Now after packing all my things, at last I get to sit down and really do what I want to do. I want to write something.

Just now when I'm driving myself back, suddenly feel so emotional. Tears started to roll down. Emotional break-down! I just let my tears flow.... I can't take it anymore.

This has been a long semester for me. It's a tough one! And yet, with God's grace, I have gone through it and it's all over! I have managed to make it til the end!

Although this semester was my last semester where I have to take the last 3 core papers, I still worked part time as a tuition centre admin clerk and also teach in Chung Ling High School. Besides working, I am also the President of Butterworth Toastmasters Club, the Club Coach of IPG1 Toastmasters Club and also the Club Mentor of Bagan Ajam Toastmasters Club. I have also make a point to spend extra time with my family and spend more time for God. I have make myself extremely busy and had a extremely hectic life. It's tough!

To some people, I chose to live this way. Is it so? I wonder.... I would say YES! But why did I choose to live this way? I don't want to let myself be so free that my mind has chance to wander around and think of all the nonsense and unhappy things. I thought by being busy and keep my mind working all the time, I'll not get to think of all the unhappy thing. TRUE! It did help. I managed to overcome it easier... as I don't get to spend so much time thinking of all the unhappy thing and slowly after some time it actually faded...I mean a little bit....(the pain will still be there!)

Now it's over!! When I look back, should I feel silly? Feel silly for making myself work so hard and busy? Feel silly for making myself so occupied? NOT AT ALL!!! I have not regretted and yet I want to thank him for all these. By making myself occupied and busy and do a lot of things, I learnt a lot too. I always believe that the more effort you put in and the more time you commit in one thing will equal to the lesson and the things that you get to learn.

I have learnt so much in this semester.
I have learnt how to teach secondary Form 4 boys....
I have learnt how to deal with a very problematic boss who til now still not yet pay me my salary....
I have learnt how to motivate and keep encourage the IPG1 members to give their best....
I have learnt how to coach them to be a better leader....and in return they taught me a lot in how to be a great leader...
I have learnt how to help young members in Bagan Ajam to get started and strive to see what they can achieve....
I have learnt to communicate more with my parents...
I have learnt to spend more time with my family members....
I have learnt to juggle my time well so that I can still concentrate on my studies...
I have learnt to love the subjects that I don't even know what's the subjects called...
I have learnt to spend time with my friends especially when they needed care most....
I have learnt to love and to care for others....
I have learnt to think from others point of view....
I have learnt that everyone is different and we can't force or control them to do the things that we want them to do...
I have learnt to put my priorities right....
I have learnt that God is my best friend and I can really share everything with Him when no one listens to me...
I have learnt that God really answers my prayers...although sometimes it's not what I meant to be but it always turned out to be the best for me....because He knows what's best for me...
I have learnt that God has never abandon me nor leave me..He is always right beside me....
I have learnt that when I can't see the road in front of me, I can still look up and knows that God has a plan for me ahead...
I have learnt to worry less....but instead to have faith in Him that everything is in control....
I have learnt to appreciate more....as no one is obliged to treat you nice or love you.....
I have learnt to forgive and let go of grudges....
I have learnt to be a better girl friend in the next relationship...
I have learnt to be a stronger and better person!!!
The list goes on and on.....I have learnt so much!!! These are just some that I can express through words....
Most of all, I have learnt that I can actually do so many things at the same time... I have the such an ability...haha... Like what I always quote from my mentor KK Chee, "We can only know Who We Are until We See What We Can Do"...

Now it's 2.20am. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after tomorrow...... because everyday is full of purpose and meaning!!!

It's time to sleep. Feel so good after writing this out. :-)

Sleepless nights...

It has been quite some time I didn't write anything. I'm trying my very best to prepare for my final exam -- the last 3 core papers for ACCA. I have been staying at home to study. Only go out from my room to find food, or else I'll be in the room struggling to study. So I rarely get to see the computer and online. Today I come to the college library to study together with my friend Juan See, the library's computer is so tempting. My hand feel so itchy, I can't stand the temptation. hehe... ;p

Exam...Exam...Exam...haiz...what can I say? Especially for ACCA course, we don't have holiday throughout the year. We have exam every June and December. So end of June course started and ended end on October. Revision class for almost 2 weeks, then study break. Normally after exam you only get to rest like for a week then another new semester started again. It has been the same for the past 3 years.

This time is the last time for me because after this exam, no matter whether I pass or not, I'll be working. If I fail, I'll do self study and just sit for the next exam, but of course I hope I can pass ;p

So everytime during the study break, my world will be totally upside down. Everything changes, my routine and even my body functions. When I'm stressful, my gastrik problem will attack me. (There's one time I have to miss my exam because I was admitted for my gastrik problem) So now I have learnt the lesson. I knew how my body will operate. I knew my gastrik will surely attack, so I have to take extra care as I don't want to prepare so hard and yet can't sit for my exam due to sickness. I have to eat a lot during this period. Not that I chose to eat a lot but I'll feel hungry very fast. Maybe not really hungry, but I can feel the gastrik asid start to attack my gastrik(I'm not sure about all the medical term...) so I have to fill my stomach with plenty of food so that it will not get worst and I don't have to suffer the massive pain.

During this crucial moment, I'll ask my mum to store up a lot of food at home so that whenever I feel like eating again, I'll just go downstairs and grab something. Almost every 2 hours, I'll go downstairs and look for my best buddy "food!!!"

When I study, I really don't know the time. Sometimes I can be so focus that suddenly I realize it's already past 12am. It's time for bed. I'm not used to "burn midnight oil". So I'll wash up and lie on my bed. These few nights I have not been sleeping well, or rather not sleeping at all. For the first few days, I will feel sleepy in the afternoon when I'm studying. Even with the light on, on my sister's bed without any pillow I can still fell asleep so easily, but at night when I lie comfortably on my bed, I can't sleep at all. Now these 2 days I don't sleep in the afternoon, I don't even feel sleepy in the afternoon. I was so focus studying and suddenly it's dinner time already.

The worst thing is even I didn't sleep in the afternoon, at night also I can't sleep..
Argghh....I hate this.!!! I want to sleep...I need to sleep....but it's just so hard!!!

I tried many ways. Keep repeating in my mind "I slept...I slept... I slept....x1000000000" but still can't work. My mind can't stop spinning. I tried hard to force myself not to think of anything, yet it's not working. I can't sleep. It has been a few nights that I didn't really sleep. The feeling is just so terrible and miserable!!!

I want to sleep!!!! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........................

仿佛

I read about this article in the newspaper today. I think it's quite interesting. Although it's a simple poem (whether it's a poem or not, I'm not sure..hehe..), I consider it very "real"...

仿佛 written by 羲云

一种模糊的感情
介于爱与不爱之间
暧昧的
折磨的
仿佛是爱的
仿佛是不爱
恍然地漂流在这种不确定
就是没有那份勇气
走上前
问一句
你
爱我吗？
也许
享受的只是过程
那种仿佛爱的感觉

Happiness

Our world tells us that happiness is easy to find : Simply have enough money, buy the right items, wear the right clothes, and be sure to party it up. In the book of Ecclesistes in the bible, tells us that happiness is not ound in these things.

What doesn't bring happiness?

Pleasure ( Ecclesiastes 2:1, 10-11)
I thought to myself, "Now I want to experiment with pleasure and enjoy myself." But even this was pointless... If something appealed to me, I did it. I allowed myself to have any pleasure I wanted... I saw that it was all pointless. It was like trying to catch the wind. I gained nothing from any of my accomplishments under the sun.

Work ( Ecclesiastes 2:18-21)
I came to hate everything for which I had worked so hard under the sun, because I will have to leave it to the person who replaces me... Then I fell into despair over everything for which I had worked so hard under the sun. Here is someone who had worked hard with wisdom, knowledge, and skill. Yet, he must turn over his estate to someone else, who didn't work for it. Even this is pointless and a terrible tragedy.

Money ( Ecclesiastes 5:10)
Whoever loves money will never be satisfied with money.


What does bring happiness?

A life devoted to God ( Ecclesiastes 11:9, 12:13-14)
You young people should enjoy yourselves while you're young. You should let your hearts make you happy when you're young. Follow wherever your heart leads you and whatever your eyes see. But realize that God will make you give an account for all these things when he judges everyone... After having heard it all, this is the conclusion : Fear God, and keep his commands, because this applies to everyone. God will certainly judge everything that is done. This includes every secret thing, whether it is good or bad.

Everything in God's own time

Everything has its own time, and there is a specific time for every activity under heaven :

a time to be born and
a time to die,
a time to plant and
a time to pull out what was planted,
a time to kill and
a time to heal,
a time to tear down and
a time to build up,
a time to cry and
a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and
a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and
a time to gather them,
a time to hug and
a time to stop hugging,
a time to start looking and
a time to stop looking,
a time to keep and
a time to throw away,
a time to tear apart and
a time to sew together,
a time to keep quiet and
a time to speak out,
a time to love and
a time to hate,
a time for war and
a time for peace.


Quote from the bible - Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 verse 1-8

Don't worry !!

I think I have to say something.
I'm happy to know that I have so many friends who concern about me.
After I posted the last article, many friends ask me and talk to me.
They gave me words of encouragement and tried to help me.
I really appreciate it.
Really thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone.
Thanks for being there when I'm down.

One thing I want to reassure all my friends is that I'm doing fine!!!
Just that sometimes when I'm alone and have nothing to do, my mind tends to wander around.
I know what I want to do and I know what I should do.
Don't worry!

The things that I mentioned in the last blog that I wanted him to say something to me.
The things that I wanted him to tell me is not to come back to me.
I'll not want him to come back to me and I never hope that he'll come back to me.
I have accepted the fact that everything is different now.

Maybe I wrote too brief or a bit unclear and misleading.
Why I want him to say something is because the last time when he came back he said he 's not sure what he wants to do.
So I just want him to face me.
And tell me what he wants to do.
At least I feel that he should give me a good explanation.
At least admit to me that his heart changes.
I just want him to face me and get over it.
Maybe after a real talk and he admit everything only we can be friends again.
I just want him to clear the misunderstanding between us.
That's it and that's simply what I meant.

Anyway, the article was written when I was really down and bored.
Maybe because these few weeks I have to stay at home to study as my exam is really near.
I can't go out often or do things that I want.
I have to study.
Whenever I was bored, I started think nonsense.
I'll be fine as when I'm conscious, I know very clear what I want.

My dear friends, I just want to say I really appreciate all your concerns.
Don't worry, I'll be fine!!
Although tomorrow might not be beautiful, I'm sure a beautiful tomorrow will soon come!
Just smile as there's nothing that is impossible to be overcome.


I really thank God for giving me so many sweet sweet and cute cute friends like you all... ;-)
Thanks...

The End !!!

This will be the last article written about you. There are too many words that I want to tell you. There are too many words that I have not have the chance to tell you. (Although I doubt that you will still visit my blog..) Anyway, I know I have to "blah" everything out in order for me to let go.

I regret for not hugging you tight that day
I didn't know that was the last hug
I wanted to hug you
And tell you how dearly I have missed you
But it was all too late...

Sometimes I wonder if I had asked you to stay
Will it be different today?
I know it doesn't matter anymore
Your heart is no longer mine
You have given it to her

I have never thought that this will ever happen
That's why it's hard for me to accept
But I have no other alternatives except to accept

You are the only one whom I trusted the most
I always thought
Trust is an important element in a relationship
But no one actually tell me what's the definition of trust
Can I trust anyone?
I wonder....

You said you came back to talk about our relationship
The first thing you say is "break up"
That's what you meant by talk about our relationship
I never knew it's so simple for you

Just a word "sorry" to end a 5 years relationship
Do you think it's sufficient?
To you, you have drawn a big fullstop
To me, I'm still waiting for an answer

I'm still waiting for you to say something that I want to hear
It's not that simple
As long as you didn't say that
I can never be satisfied
I'll still be waiting for the fullstop that I'm looking for

Without this fullstop
I can't have another story
I'm not like you
Maybe by just saying a simple "sorry" is a fullstop for you
That's why you can start your new chapter
Having a happy life over there
But you have been so selfish

I know everything there is new for you
There's nothing for you to think of me
But everything here is all about you
There's nothing that don't remind me about you

I acted strong
Putting up a mask everyday
Letting others know that I'm fine
I don't want them to worry about me
I kept telling myself that I'm fine
I know I'm just lying to myself

But what can I do?
Do I have a choice?
The only choice is to accept
Accept the fact that your heart changes
In less than one year after you went there

You asked me to wait for you
I agreed to
But not even a year
You came back to hurt me
Hurt me deeply

I really really hope that you can give me a fullstop
A fullstop that I'm waiting for
A fullstop for me to end this chapter of my life
Although I'm not sure how to begin another story
I'm not sure how to trust another person
But I know with the answer that I'm looking for
It will be much much easier for me

Just say something...
Something that you should say
Something that you have owed me
After that
You can continue to have a your happy life
Your happy life with your new her

The end!!!

Weird !!

Last night something weird happenned. (I'm not sure whether I should use the word weird or scary!!)

I drove home from Penang yesterday. On the way back, almost reaching my house, my right foot suddenly feel so pain and I can't control my foot. I can't step on the accelerator nor the brake(by the way, I'm driving Auto car, only use right foot). I was scared and the pain was terrible. Luckily I was not too far from home, so I force myself to drive back home. I used my left foot and also my hands.

I dare not tell my parents as I scared they will worry about me and don't let me drive. I still need to drive to Penang and Tambun this Saturday. So I walk slowly back to my room. The pain was still there.

After awhile, not that pain anymore. So I thought it's ok already.

But who knows at night when I lie on my bed, the pain came back again. I started to feel really weird as I took a panadol for my headache...I thought panadol is a pain killer for the whole body, how come my leg still feel pain? And now my right foot also can feel the same pain. The pain on my left foot came all the way up to my hip. Now my hip feel pain too. Although not that serious until I can't feel my legs, still the pain was terrible.

I didn't know what should I do. I thought of massaging my legs but what if I pressed the wrong place and make it worst. So the only thing I can do is to force myself to sleep as once I sleep I'll not feel the pain. I struggled for quite some time and at last I fell asleep...

This morning when I woke up, the pain is not that terrible anymore. But my back hurts. That makes me realize what's the problem. Although this is just my view, I still think this is quite possible logically. (If it's really correct, then I don't have to study I can be a doctor already).

All these while, my back bone has some problems. Occasionally my back will feel the pain. So the reason I got for my legs maybe is because of my back bone. Maybe my back bone has "ter-press" my nerves that make my legs pain. Maybe the position when I lie down will make my back bone press on my nerve and makes my legs feel that kind of pain. Maybe the position when I drive also makes my back bone press on the nerve of my legs and cause that massive pain. Isn't it logical???

Of course I don't wish this to be true as this sounds serious. Last night I struggled to sleep because I kept think of all these bad consequences. What if I can't walk anymore? What if I have to rely on a wheel chair for the rest of my life? What if I have to go through all the scary operations? What if this and what if that!!! Makes me scared...

I know I supposed to go and see doctor but I'm scared. I'm too scared to face the truth. So I kept telling myself that I'll be fine. It's just a one time thing.It will not happen anymore. I'll be fine. I'll be fine... I don't want to see doctor. I'll be fine!!!

Song Lyrics

I always like to read lyrics. Sometimes the lyrics are so meaningful and sometimes it actually matches with what I am facing now or feeling now.

There's this new song that attracted me because of the title of the songs - "爱哭鬼" sing by 江美琪, which means someone who likes to cry or who can cry easily. It attracted me because I know I'm someone like this...hehe...I can cry easily and I can cry anywhere anytime...

I read the lyric of this song and realize it really matches with what's in my heart...

It goes..

我爱哭 大声的哭 你在身边我敢放肆的哭
电影感人听情歌我都会哭
我爱哭 偷偷的哭 你清楚却伤我那黱离谱
几句话语我的泪却止不住
你说分手时候彷佛早就想清楚
留我一个躲在角落来不及哭 只能傻住
我是爱哭鬼 我想哭掉对你的思念
看著镜子里面没志气的脸 然後越哭越後悔
我是爱哭鬼 我想哭掉对你的依恋
我也知道自己这样子不对 却还越哭越认真的 为谁
我不哭 我不敢哭 哭只会让视线变的模糊
视线模糊记忆却会更清楚
你说分手时候彷佛早就想清楚
留我一个躲在角落来不及哭 只能傻住
我是爱哭鬼 我想哭掉对你的思念
看著镜子里面没志气的脸 然後越哭越後悔
我是爱哭鬼 我想哭掉对你的依恋
我也知道自己这样子不对 却还越哭越认真的 可悲

Lately I started to like Rebecca or better known as Tong En's songs. When Christopher introduced me to her song "Do they see Jesus in me", I started to have a different perception to her. I didn't know that she can sing so well. Her voice is really unique. I like her songs.

I just read of the lyric of one of her songs. I think it helps to express what I'm having in my mind now. It's called "不准哭"

I'll like to share the lyrics here...

我把自己封锁在空荡荡的房屋
感谢你让我想个清楚
因为爱你所以我不做你的包袱
我不需要谁温柔安抚
请放心 我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步
不准哭 我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路 挡不住你追逐
不准哭 我们应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福
如果我消失不见你在乎不在乎
别含含糊糊我很在乎
因为爱你所以我选另外一条路
离开是我的最后让步
请放心，我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步
不准哭 我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路 挡不住你追逐
不准哭 我们应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福
爱情就在这里结束
我们不得不 不得不屈服

Hopefully I can really be like what the lyrics say. Get over it soon!!!

Why ??

Last night, I saw Steven's updated photos in friendster. His photos with his NEW girl friend. I was shocked and I didn't expect this will happen even though I knew he has a girl friend there.

It reminds me how badly I have to "force" him to change his status in friendster to "in a relationship" when he's with me. And now, he changed his status to "in a relationship" so fast.

It reminds me he never put my photos in his friendster before. And now, he put up so many of her photos there, even her photo without him.

He knew I'll check my friendster often. He knew I'll see his photos. Why he never thought of how I will feel after seeing these?

I wonder how come he can feel so good after all these. How come he can go into a relationship with another girl so fast without feeling shameful or bad for treating me this way? I really can't understand. If I'm him, I'll definitely feel so ashame with my act of dumping a 5 years girl friend for a new girl, just after one year in Australia.

Anyway, I think I should feel happy for him as he didn't feel guilty at all. I know how it feel to live with guilt. I should congrats him for not feeling that way.

Just one thing to tell him, don't give any promises to your new girl friend now. You'll never know how hurt it will be when you can't do it. haha....feel so silly...maybe he will not forgot all his promises this time, maybe he will really treat her nice and won't break any of his promises, why should I even think of all these...haha....how silly am I!!!

Hope that this is what God wants for you. Hurting me to go for her. Since you have hurt me so deep because of her, hope that you will really appreciate her and not break her heart anymore... I know how hurt it is to be hurt by you this way...I will not want to see another girl suffer like me... I hope this time you can be more firm with what you do....be more mature... not to change your mind so easily anymore...

Wish you happy always!!!.....(I sound so fake! Who can understand how I feel right now?? )

Lessons Learnt

1. Human's heart changes easily. The only thing that will remain unchange is the word "change" itself.

2. Love yourself more than anyone else. Only then you will know how to love others and how to love yourself when no one loves you.

3. Stop depending or relying on others. Live your own life. You are the only person who can help yourself. If you depend on others, you will only make yourself hurt even more when they are no longer there for you to depend on.

4. Do not trust anyone easily. Not to trust people too easily especially people that you don't really know. If they say they will not let anyone hurt you anymore, it may turn out that they are the ones who hurt you the most.

5. Not to jump into conclusion too early. Things can just change very fast. Nothing is certain until the final answer.

6. Never assume anything. Two person think differently. No one will tell you exactly what they are thinking in their mind. Never assume what's in their mind as you will never know the correct answer.

7. Learn to be more realistic. Don't live in a world full of own imagination. When the imagination didn't come true, you will feel miserable. Only imagine things that is realistic.

8. It doesn't matter how others think of you. The most important thing is who are you in God's eyes. The most important thing is you are comfortable and happy with who you are.

9. The problem that you are facing now is nothing special. Many people face the same problem too. They can go through it and so will you. It's not a super special problem that is so hard to overcome.

10. Many people cares about you. You may feel like someone abandon you, but don't focus on the person who don't know how to appreciate you but rather look around to notice other friends who care so much about you.

11. Appreciate what you have rather than crying over what you do not have. Why should you shed tears over things that you no longer have? It only shows how blind you are! Why should you neglect what you have? It only shows how dumb you are!

12. Think of what you want instead of what you do not want. It's all about the Law of Attraction. Think of what you want and you can attract what you want, think of what you do not want and you will only attract what you do not want.

Feeling sad !!!

These 2 days I was feeling very sad and down...

The day that I'm afraid of has come.

I once thought I had overcame it and I was fine now. I just realized that I'm just running away from the problems. I did not solve anything yet. I'm just running away.

I just tried to rely on someone else rather than facing it. I know I shouldn't rely on anyone else as this is not a right thing to do because when this "rely" go away from me, I'm suffered again. I feel miserable again.

I know this is not right, but yet I don't know what I can do or what I should do. The more that I do, I know the worst I'll be. I may even irritate the person that I'm relying on. I may even make that person feel that I'm such a terrible friend. I have tried not to rely on you, but it's so tough. I feel so miserable and lonely. But I know I shouldn't be so selfish. I can't keep relying on you just like that. I know I'm such a terrible person.

Sorry if I really make you feel this way. I don't mean anything bad... I'm just trying to rely on someone. I know I'm not in any position to rely on you. I know I shouldn't bother you with all my same old stories again and again. I know I shouldn't give you a heavy burden like this. I know you don't have to do what you are doing right now, but yet you have been such a nice friend to me.

I don't know what I'm talking about, worst still how to express what's in my mind and my "sink" heart. These 2 days, my heart fell into such a deep deep place... until I can't even feel my own heart. The whole world is spinning but I'm standing still looking blank... LOST!!!

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I don't want to put up a mask anymore. I don't want to do what's not in my heart. I don't want to act fake. I don't want to laugh or even smile when I don't feel like it. I don't want to do what others expect me to do anymore.
I want to do what I WANT to do. But is this right? Can I?

I don't know... ??? Just feel like no matter what I do, I'm still not right. No matter what I do, I have to face the consequences. What should I do??? What can I do???

The only word "PRAY"!!!

Penang Hill Trip

Last weekend, I have attended the Toastmasters District 51 Leadership Retreat. A lot of doubts in my mind and I felt reluctant to go. I’ve no mood to pack. I worried that I’ll feel isolated and I can’t mix around with the other members as most of them are district leaders and I’m just an ordinary member. But I have no choice but to pack and go.

I drove myself to KK Chee’s house to meet up with Peng Yew. KK Chee needed our help to bring all his luggages. We reached the station around 4.30pm but due to the crowd, we only managed to buy the 6pm cable car. So we had to wait for quite awhile for the cable car. Poh Tin decided to bring us to have the yummy laksa down the road. Six of us walked almost 1km down to the roundabout to have laksa. It’s quite delicious. After the laksa, it started drizzling. We had to walk faster back to the station. I was quite bored waiting in the station for our cable car. Luckily my brother Andrew lend me his MP3 player and download my favourite Penny’s songs inside for me.

6pm, I thought I’m the youngest and I should help to carry the heavy and big luggages. We had to put the luggages in the container in front of the cable, then took it out to change train in the middle and took it out again when we reached Penang Hill. Soooooo tiring… I hurt my back. It’s painful but yet I dare not complain. The only thing in my mind was why I forget to bring the “magic sticker” (I’m not sure what is it called…it’s sort of a plaster to stick on your back) so that I can stick it on my back to help relieve the pain.

Once I reached the top of Penang Hill, it was so misty and cold. I was so excited. We walked a short distance to Bellevue Hotel. The rooms were not ready yet so we waited in the front park. I was so amazed. Although it was very misty and we can’t see anything there, but sue to the mist, the front park was so beautiful as if I was in heaven. I was so thrill to see such a lovely place. I felt loved. I felt like closing my eyes and dance on the field, but of course I can’t do that or else they will think that I’m crazy… haha..

After awhile, the rooms were ready. My roommates Bin and Mel were not there yet, so I checked in the room myself. There are 3 beds in the room. I like the outlay of the room too. Very spacious and cozy. There are 2 beds once you get in and there is another bed in a small compartment. I chose the isolated one. This shows that I really like to have privacy. I enjoyed myself bathing with the hi-tech ionized water. It is said that you don’t have to use soaps as it’s ionized water, but I’m not used to not using soaps, I find it weird, haha…. Since I’m alone in the room, I can bath as long as I like. I felt so fresh after the tiring journey and carrying luggages.

I went out to the front park, the mist had gone away. Now I can see the amazing breath-taking night scenery of the whole Georgetown and mainland. It was so beautiful with all the lighting. This was the first time I see such wonderful view. I tried to capture it with my camera but my camera has some limitation. It can’t perform to it best for night view but I still managed to capture some quite nice shots.

We had steamboat for dinner. It was not my favourite because no Tomyam. I ate anyway. At that moment, I think I reached the maximum that I can go. I’ve reach the state that people around me were busy chatting and it was so noisy but yet I can switch their “noise” to a very low volume and only heard the songs that I’m listening to. One thing I learnt from the steamboat dinner is to put an egg into my soup and it tasted delicious.

Before the first session starts, I went back to the room to eat my medicine. I’m still having flu. My voice was still sexy, hehe… I helped KK Chee to prepare the files and the ice breaker game. We were to introduce each another. I introduced Bin. I was nervous. I think the reason was I still can’t control my mindset and I was afraid because I kept thinking that they were all very senior so I can’t perform too badly. This not-supposed-to-be-in-my-mind thought makes me nervouse and perform badly. I was not satisfied with my performance. I should have get rid of that thought and I’m sure I can do much better than that. Everyone of us get a T-shirt and a directory. I was so excited to see the directory for the first time. Hehe…Shy to tell… I’m the cover girl for the directory!! ;-)

After the session, we went to the bird park where all our meetings will be held from the next day onwards to stick the quotations that we prepared. I was happy and satisfied to see that my hard work pays off. My quotations were the most beautiful…hehe….

I went to the front park with Bin and we chat. She told me about the Malay movie “Sepet”. It was an interesting movie and very touching according to her. I would like to watch this movie.

After a short chat, Bin went back to the room and I stayed in the front park alone for awhile. I sat there enjoying the night view of Penang and the sky full of bright stars. This was also the first time I saw so many stars on a clear bright sky. Many thoughts in my mind. I want to bring my family, my church young people and all my beloved friends here. I want to share this amazing moments with all my loves one. Tears filled my eyes. Not sure why..?? I felt cold as I forgot to bring out my jacket. So I went back to the room and sleep.

I woke up at 5am but I continue to lie on the bed til 5.45am. I didn’t want to miss the sunrise. I’ve never see sunrise before. I got out earlier to wait for the sun to rise. Around 6.15am, there were still many stars above and I started to see a red line. I took plenty of photos. I was so excited. Slowly, I can see the ray, so clear and bright. I snapped photos again. It was really very very beautiful. God’s creation is so beautiful, who else can create such a great art? I was so happy and contented because I managed to get some nice shots. I started to fall in love with this place. Next time I must bring a mat so that I can lie on the grass to admire the stars for the whole night while waiting for the sunrise.

Breakfast time, I like the toast with jam. Simple yet yummy. I ate my medicine again. I felt better. Then, I went to the bird park for the sessions. Now only I saw there were so many birds. I think the birds were all imported or specially chosen. There were big and beautiful parrots, blue, green, red, yellow and purple ones. There were also hornbill and peacocks. The meeting room was right in the middle of the park. We can hear the birds chirping.

We watched a short movie clip “Reach for the Stars”. It was a very meaningful movie clip. We should see things not only with our eyes but also with our heart. Look for the possibilities. Then, all the Division Governors shared their 4 months experience since they took office. Some of them were quite emotional. I get to see different characters and different personality. When you open your mouth to share, the words that came out from you reflected the way you live, the principles you hold on to and the attitude within you.

During the short break, I ate the sunsweet prunes, it’s very nice. I chat with the Hotel Residence Manager Azam. He’s a very friendly person. The room rate was not expensive. The room that I stayed in which has 3 beds only cost RM160. I can afford that, I want to bring my family here. I really want to come back again because I really love this place.

Sessions continued, I like Siva’s sharing session. I was inspired by him. I love a particular quote that he shared. I’ll write about this quote in my next post.

Division Governors were divided into groups for discussion. I was bored. I chat with Mel and Bin. I learnt a lot from Mel. I had a lot of new ideas on how to lead and encourage members. Sometimes, I just need to do a little bit more and the results will turn out to be a great different.

Lunch time, at first I saw the curry chicken, I thought that’s it for lunch. I didn’t like it as it’s all spicy food and I don’t feel like eating. Luckily they served asam prawn and fried fish. I ended up eating 2 big plates of white rice with 4 big prawns and some fish.

I went back to the room to get my camera to snap some photos of the birds. The next session started late again. All Division Governors presented their discussion just now. Bored again.

After that, it’s time for the building bridge game. It was quite fun. Again, I get to see different characters and different ways of doing things. There were so much to learn as an observant too. I learnt to know what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. It makes me realize that attitude is the most important thing of all.

4th session started 45 minutes late. It’s about the 2nd round TLI training. They discussed what they want to do for the 2nd round of club officers training. I started to feel sleepy as I woke up early this morning. A bit sore throat but I can’t stand the temptation of peanuts…hehe…

Clement came, another person to chat with…

Relax time, I borrowed a laptop from Francis to transfer my photos from the camera to my pen drive as my camera memory was low. The photos turned out to be so beautiful when look from the laptop. Very clear and beautiful. I was so happy and satisfied. Then, I went back to the room to chat with Mel, Bin, Clement and Peng Yew. Not sure why, I just felt that today I can’t really have the same channel with Clement.

Outdoor game session started very late at 7pm. The game was very fun but a little obscene. 9 members played the game. I think they really enjoyed it.

Tonight we had BBQ dinner. I thought we had to BBQ the food ourselves but only then I know the hotel staff actually BBQ it for us. We just need to get the food from the tray. It’s not much different from buffet dinner. I didn’t eat much due to my sore throat. All the food were either BBQ or fried…

I went back to take a bath. After the bath I felt more refreshimg and awake. I don’t want to feel sleepy for the next session.

Siva played a very nice and meaningful movie called “The Secret”. It’s not so much about people acting like the one we watched in cinema. It’s a few experts sharing their experience and thoughts on “the Law of Attraction”. I love this movie. I managed to jot down some notes. I think it’ll be very useful for me. It helps to remind me not to think of the bad side. Always think of what you want instead of what you do not want. Our thought will become things which means if we keep thinking of the things that we do not want, we were actually attracting the things that we do not want. So we should think of the things that we want. The other main point is we must be grateful with what we have. Suddenly, half way watching, something wrong with the disc. Didn’t get to finish the whole movie. Most of them want to call it a day. Luckily KK Chee told me that he has the disc, so I’ll borrow from him so that I can finish the whole movie and understand the whole picture. I’m really interested to learn more.

Most members were tired and sleepy as it was a whole day event. Some of them who were not sleepy still went to the hut outside the front park to chit chat and also to drink wine. I can't drink wine and I'm quite tired so I went back to the room to sleep.

I didn't plan to wake up early to see the sunrise. I'll want to have enough sleep. But since they asked us to have breakfast at 6.30am so that we can start the session earlier and end earlier. I woke up and went outside, thought that I was late. But who knows I'm the only one outside and the sun was also lazy today. So I still managed to see the sun rise for the second time. Of course, I took many photos again as no 2 sunrise is the same.

They served fried noodles for breakfast, I don't feel like eating oily food for breakfast as I know my stomach can't take it. So I asked Azam for toast bread with jam again as I like that. Azam was so sweet, he will always say yes to all our request. He's really the best manager I have ever seen and his service was really 5 stars.

We went back to the bird park to continue with our final session. First John Lau shared with us about membership. I liked what he shared. I learnt a few tips from him. Then Fong Ming conducted a session. This was a very special session and it's very meaningful. She asked all the Division Governor to stand in a circle, then sticked a piece of A4 paper on their back. The rest of us were to walk around and wrote something good about themselves to encourage them to serve better. After that session, they read about what others write for them and feel good. I think this is really good. I will definitely keep that piece of paper in my purse all the time and when I'm discouraged, I'll read and feel good again.

The whole event ended. All of us packed and took the cable car down to have lunch in Penang Sports Club.

I learnt a lot throughout this session. I think the organizer had made it a successful one. It really did charge up their battery and encourage them to serve and make them feel good. This is the whole purpose of the retreat. Almost all of us feel that this will be the most memorable event in our toastmasters journey.

I'm glad that I came. I won't regret for coming. I learnt so much more than I have ever expected. I'm grateful that I was given this opportunity by KK Chee to come to this retreat. I'm grateful for this opportunity... Thanks...

Brand New Day

Today is a brand new day for me!

After months of working, working and working, at last I resigned to fully concentrate in preparing for my exam. Today onwards, I'm no longer working. Only then I realized "work" has taken away a lot of my time for the past few months. I may regret for being so silly to drown myself with works to occupy my time, but I rather think another way that I should not regret because I did learn a lot and content with what I have been through. I'm sure every situations and circumstances that I have experienced will make me a stronger person.

Last night I was a bit worry or scared that I might not get used to this new life that I have, I kept wondering what will happen if I'm too free? I'm afraid that I'll feel lonely and started to think of all nonsense again. I'm afraid that I can't get used to these changes. I'm used to being busy. Basically for the past few months, I don't even have time for myself. My schedule was so full. Now when I open my organizer, I can see so many empty slots and this is not usual. I'm scared and worry. ( I wonder why we always tend to worry about tomorrow? ) I'm scared that I'll feel lonely. I really don't like that feeling.

I sms-ed Dave and he gave me a lot of encouraging words, which makes me realize that I'm not lonely afterall. At least he will be there for me. He assures me that I can always chat with him whenever I felt like it. I just saw that paper that he gave me last week that says "Plan for tomorrow, Live for today!"... Yeap, I may worry about tomorrow, but I should turn the worriness into planning, I should not worry about what has not happen yet but to plan for it, but yet I should live for today to the fullest! It really encourages me a lot and wake me up again. He's really an angel sent by God...haha..

Past is past...I'm now a full time student again...and I have back most of my time now so I must really appreciate my time well and use it to the fullest.

Today I woke up early, ask Juan See to go for breakfast together. There's a normal coffee shop that I always like to go for breakfast, I don't know what lane is that but it's somewhere near Komtar. For the past few months, every morning I'm either working or having classes so I never get to go there for breakfast. Since today is the first morning that I'm free, I really have to go and have breakfast there. So we went. We chat a lot in the car. It's always fun to chat with her. She's a sweet girl. I had the Chee Cheong Fun. I don't really like Chee Cheong Fun but only this particular store that I will go and eat. It's special and I think it's the best in Penang. The toast bread there is very special too. I had another toast bread. I was so satisfied and happy. haha...I'm so easy to be pleased...As long as I get to eat what I feel like eating, I'll be extremely happy and contented.

Then we came back to the library to study. I did manage to study quite a lot, can say after so long, this is the first time I really study and study a lot. I'm happy and really hope that this will be continued... At least it's a good start for the first day right?

Around noon, my dad called me and said that he's in Penang and asked me for lunch together. Of course being the "good" girl, I said yes..(because I know I can surely eat something expensive..haha) We went to Little Cottage for set lunch. That's a very nice place that I have been to twice and I really like that place. Just that I need to have someone to go with me. The first two time I went with the Toastmasters Division members as we had our meeting cum dinner there. This time I went with my dad and the place is still so lovely. The design of the shop is very cozy. The food there is delicious... I had scallop baked with cheese. The scallop was the biggest that I ever seen..(maybe I seldom see big scallop la..) and it's full with cheese...so cheesy and I really enjoyed that. I felt so loved at that moment... Hmmm.....yummy!!! And of course, the best part is my dad paid for the bill...haha..

After that he sent me back to college and I continue my studies. Now I managed to finish 3 standards which can be considered quite a lot. I taught Juan See how to write blog this morning and she's addicted to it..haha...so whole day she has been sitting in front of the computer to write blog. Now when I tell her I have finished 3 standards, she was so surprised and stop blogging already..haha..she's now studying but I'm blogging... haha..

Today is a great start for me... As a mandarin saying goes : A good start means a half success. Which means I'll succeed one day... haha... I'm really glad that it's not that bad as I thought. It's a nice day... and I started to like this new life. I should be content with what I have and make good use of what I have now. And most importantly appreciate what I have now... Thanks Dave for your encouraging words and make me start off this new day with a great attitude and happy heart. Thanks Juan See for being with me for this first day although you might not know I'm afraid last night.

Hope that everyday will be a super duper great day!!!